


Exhaustion

by Lucigoosey_The_Lightbringer



Series: Renegades (Steven Universe: Homeworld AU) [3]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Autistic Peridot (Steven Universe), Berry is Bad At Feelings, Berry is amazing omg, Five Stages of Grief, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Homeworld au, I Am My Mom Gone Wrong, I love my girl sm, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Inner Dialogue, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss, Memory Loss Mention, Mentions of Death, OC POV, One Shot, Past Character Death, Renegades Steven Universe AU, SU Homeworld AU, Sad Steven Universe, Steven Universe AU, also hints of Peridot being autistic, love our gem <3, post-I Am Rose Quartz, post-IARQ
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:14:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26397751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucigoosey_The_Lightbringer/pseuds/Lucigoosey_The_Lightbringer
Summary: "What d'you think about Earth?""It's exactly as you described," Berry replied faintly.| Post-IARQ (I Am Rose Quartz.)
Relationships: Amethyst & Steven Universe, Garnet & Steven Universe, Greg Universe & Original Gem Character(s), Greg Universe & Steven Universe, Pearl & Steven Universe, Steven Universe & Original Gem Character(s)
Series: Renegades (Steven Universe: Homeworld AU) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1918204
Comments: 17
Kudos: 59





	Exhaustion

Berry warped back to the house, physically and emotionally exhausted.

It had been a long day. For everyone involved - and, perhaps Berry didn't quite have a right to complain about her own frustrations, her own exhaustion over the situation. She hadn't known the Lapis Lazuli they were talking about, not personally. But she didn't quite have a hard time empathizing with Steven and Peridot; she had lost Pink Diamond, she had lost one of her best friends - or, at least, she thought she had - and she could understand the pain and the fury that came with losing someone you… cared about. As much as it pained Berry to admit any of it, she had cared about Pink and she cared about Peridot. Losing her Diamond had been the worst kind of pain Berry had ever felt. It had come with a sense of abandonment, the realization that she didn't have a Diamond anymore, and thus didn't have a _purpose_ anymore either. She had kept pushing, kept going through the motions in Yellow's court after that, but it wasn't the same.

Not until she'd met Lemon Lime and Peridot. Those two had helped her through the darkest time in her life, not that she'd ever tell them that to their faces. That would be admitting that she felt anything but irritation and annoyance toward them out loud - and, sure, she had no trouble expressing her affection for them in other ways. Subtler ways, just to make sure they _knew_. But admitting that she actually liked either of them would be uncharted territory for the Ruby, and admitting how much she needed them - Lemon Lime especially - in her life was just a _nope._ The Peridot was well aware how Berry felt about him. She didn't need to say anything to prove it.

And Peridot… oh, Peridot. Quite possibly the only one on Homeworld who could match her intelligence, who had risen to her level. She was new, but she was feisty. Berry had liked her from the second she met her, the second Peridot had joined her Squadron. By then, Berry had long gotten accustomed to being a technician, and she had no trouble showing Peridot the ropes. Her intelligence struck something in the Ruby - other Peridots, even Era-1 Peridots, they weren't very good technicians. They didn't have much to work with, at least, and that hindered their abilities. Berry, however, was very… creative, and Peridot proved capable of being so too. They had become quick acquaintances, and the other technician became one of the few gems on Homeworld that the Ruby could stand. More than that, she liked to think they were… friends. It wasn't quite the word she'd use out loud, but it was definitely something she thought about.

Seeing her like this hurt. Berry didn't handle hurting very well; no, most of her pain, she was able to turn into anger. Determination. Pushing herself in different ways to do whatever she needed to do to get over it. The Ruby was well aware of how stubborn Peridot could be when she wanted to, how easily she could trick her own mind. That was one of the downsides of being so intelligent - usually, whatever you told yourself was _facts_. All it took was motive, the desperation to twist a lie into a truth, to make yourself believe whatever you wanted to believe. Peridot could tell herself that the Lapis Lazuli was still alive somehow, and while it didn't make it true for everyone else, it made it true for Peridot. She'd spent enough time with her to know that. Her mind worked… differently from other gems, even Berry's. For all her intelligence…

… she was painfully oblivious, and it showed in the simplest of ways.

She had left Lemon Lime and Candy with Peridot. They were far better suited than she was to talk this out with Peridot - Lemon Lime knew her as well as Berry did, if not _better_ than that. And if, somehow, they could break through to her, then bravo for them. The Ruby knew when to give up. She'd known when to give up with Steven, and she knew when to give up with Peridot. Talking to them didn't always help, she knew that - getting through to Steven had meant taking an entirely different direction, with how he'd deluded himself. How Blue had deluded him. Getting through to Peridot… she wasn't sure what that would mean right now, but if the others couldn't figure it out first, she was going to dedicate her entire existence to doing so. The truth hurt, Berry knew that better than anyone. But forcing yourself to believe a lie wasn't any better. Steven had proven that, hadn't he? After everything had crashed down on top of him. All the weight of everything he'd been bottling up and pushing down had finally made him crumble. Berry couldn't say she was surprised… but she could admit, to herself, that she was worried.

The Ruby took a breath and stepped down from the warp pad, sweeping her gaze around carefully. The house was… empty, she noticed. Except for Steven's 'father', Greg. The human that had assisted in his creation. He was sitting on what they called the couch, with his hands clasped together firmly and his mouth pressed into his fist. His shoulders were shaking, and Berry hesitated slightly as she moved forward, thankful to see that the human wasn't crying. But he definitely looked more than a little concerned; she couldn't help but noticed he shared some of Steven's nervous ticks, like wiggling his foot and rolling his shoulders back. His fingers would twitch every so often, but he seemed to be making a concentrated effort to hold them steady.

He glanced up at her, and she sighed through her nose, slowing down and narrowing her eyes at the human. Of course, it didn't take a genius to realize he was worried about Steven, which led the Ruby to the realization that something bad had definitely happened after the hybrid had come back home. Once again, she swept her gaze around to see if anything was broken this time, wondering if he might have had a fit, if he might have finally snapped. Honestly, Berry didn't know what to expect from him at this point. He would either rise up and push past the expectations and be something _wonderful_ , or… he would crash and burn. And it wasn't like he didn't have the right to - a lesser person, Berry knew, would have certainly broken under the weight of it all by then. But Steven was _not_ a lesser person. Berry hoped he stayed that way. "Where's the hybrid?" She sighed after a moment, glancing back toward Greg with a frown.

Greg gestured toward the bathroom, looking helpless. "The gems are with him," he told the little Ruby, his voice trembling slightly. He sounded like Steven did when he was upset. The same note of despair, the same emphasis on certain syllables, the same _expression_ as he spoke. Berry narrowed her eyes slightly, crossing her arms over her chest and finally flicking her gaze toward the bathroom door with a frown. She could hear voices mumbling from inside, but not enough to be able to pick out anything specific. She would have gone over and pressed her ear to the door, had she not known that whatever was being said in there likely wasn't something she wanted to hear anyway. "I don't know what to do," Greg mumbled. "He came in here saying that he… he remembered, but he looked so upset- and then he went into the bathroom and…"

"Well, he has a right to be upset," Berry commented, still staring at the door. "His friend's dead." She made a face as she spoke, closing her eyes for a moment. He had watched her get shattered. That was one of the reasons she'd been so furious about the idea of him going out into battle - somebody like Steven, she'd known right off the bat, wouldn't handle death well. Whether it be the death of an enemy or the death of someone he was close to. And to lose two friends, one after the other, with hardly any time in between, no wonder the trauma had crushed him. No wonder he had forgotten everything. Berry would have wanted to forget everything, too. The Ruby shook her head slightly, finally ripping her gaze away from the door with a scowl.

"Lapis," Greg said knowingly, looking distraught. "Garnet told me…" He fell silent, squeezing his hands together, then reached up to run his hand across his head. Another nervous tick. Steven didn't seem to realize it sometimes, but he would run his fingers through his hair occasionally. Sometimes if he was really anxious or stressed, he'd tug at the curls until he got distracted. After a moment, Greg took a deep breath and put his head in his hands, shaking it slightly. "God…" He whispered. "I don't know what I'm going to do… I don't know how to _help_ him…"

"The good news is you're not the only one," Berry muttered. She could feel herself softening toward the human already; he was like Steven in so many ways, and… stars, the hybrid had a special place in her heart. She wouldn't tell anybody this, of course, but she did care for him. Greg reminded her of Steven, to an extent. At least in terms of the grief and the guilt and the pain they both seemed to feel so violently. Emotions the Ruby could see etched so clearly across both of their faces whenever she looked at either of them. The tiny gem hesitated, shifting slightly where she stood. She didn't move toward him anymore, but she didn't back away. She didn't do well with emotions, but if she thought she could talk to someone, she did. "Helping him isn't what you need to be so worried about," she finally said, shaking her head. "Being… _here_ for him is the most important thing you can do. He's going to need a stable support system, especially now that he's recovering memories. It's going to overwhelm him."

Greg shook his head a little, digging his fingers into his hair. He didn't look up, but he continued to shake his head, opening and closing his mouth as he tried to spit out what he wanted to say. Berry just stared at him until he could, until he could choke out, "I don't know how to _help him."_ He shook his head again. "I couldn't save him from Homeworld, and I can't help him _now."_

Yeah, he was like Steven. Berry took a deep breath, silently preparing herself. "I'm a horrible father," Greg mumbled through clenched teeth, ducking his head slightly. "I can't even…"

"I didn't bring him here for you," Berry snapped, and Greg stiffened slightly. She watched his hands curl sharply against his head, watched his head raise slightly to stare at her, and she met his gaze boldly and curled her lips back slightly. "You heard me. I didn't bring him here for you to wallow in your own guilt and self-pity over not being able to help him. I just _told_ you how you could help him. He doesn't need people sitting around and worrying about him and doing _nothing_ , got it? He needs people who are actually gonna get up and _do_ something about it."

For a moment, Greg just stared at her. She watched his expression shift rapidly, flitting between so many different emotions that she couldn't even keep track by the third one. But she was satisfied to see his eyes harden just a little, to see a tiny spark of determination in his gaze. That was what she liked to see - that was what Steven needed. He didn't need more guilt on top of everything else. He didn't need people crying over him, that would just make him even worse. And, yes, Berry was sure they all had their own problems to deal with. They all had their fissures. And she didn't care how they worked through them, as long as they did work through them. But if what they really wanted was to do something about the situation with Steven, then they really did need to pull themselves together, for his sake and for their own. Guilt wasn't going to get anybody anywhere. She wondered how long it'd take everyone to realize that.

She glanced over as the door to the bathroom opened, and turned slightly as Garnet walked out. She was followed closely by Amethyst, and then Pearl, who was holding Steven's hand as she led the hybrid out of the bathroom; the Ruby watched his eyes flick toward her, watched them widen just a little bit as he stared at her. Watched the echoes of guilt and grief flicker across his face, just for a second, before he swallowed it back down again. Well, she had nothing to complain about - for the time being, the hybrid was as calm as he could be now. He was handling things better than Berry expected - certainly better than _she_ would be able to. "Hey…" Steven trailed off, looking over at Greg when the human pushed himself up, and he offered his father a hesitant, shaky smile as he pulled away from Pearl. "Hey, Dad…"

"Hey, Schtu-ball," Greg greeted hesitantly - Berry still didn't know what that meant, but she figured the question could wait until later. She paused, briefly catching Amethyst's gaze and flicking her eyes up to Garnet almost immediately, shaking her head at the fusion when she turned her head to look over at her in return. She turned back in time to see Greg pulling Steven into a tight hug, burying his face into the hybrid's shoulder, and Steven returned it silently. A touching moment. Averse to affection as she might have been, she certainly recognized that the hybrid needed whatever he could get. He, at least, seemed to like any positive physical contact. Whereas Berry didn't tend to like _any_ physical contact… not unless she initiated it, anyway.

Steven pulled back after a moment, frowning. "Sorry I just kinda-" He gestured toward the bathroom, shaking his head before Greg could assure him that he didn't have to apologize. Everybody seemed to say that to the hybrid whenever he did - honestly, Berry much preferred just telling him to shut up. It was equally effective. "I needed a moment, but… I think I'm okay." The hybrid hesitated, glancing back toward Berry, and she quirked an eyebrow at him silently. But, after a moment, he breathed in and rolled his shoulders back sharply, turning back to Greg. Berry stretched, sighed, and turned to head for the door. No reason for her to stick around right then, and she wasn't going back to the barn yet. While she did intend to check back in with them sooner or later, she was well aware that too many people crowding Peridot right then could easily make the situation worse, rather than better. Her actually coming to terms with the fact that Lapis Lazuli was dead wasn't as important as making sure it didn't break her completely.

She walked down the stairs, making her way toward the water once she could. She didn't want to stray too far, in case something happened. She was more worried about the creatures on Earth than she was about Homeworld, but both of which were still major concerns. Just the fact that the tiny creatures that lived on the planet were actually here right then was the only thing keeping her on edge about that. Berry had no doubt in her mind that the battle was still going on - Blue Diamond may have been able to contact Steven through the earrings, but even she should have shown up, or sent someone to retrieve them by now. And Berry knew she wasn't stupid enough to _not_ know where they were going, despite how little she thought of the dumb bitch. So the likeliest explanation was that she probably couldn't spare any gems to send, and she certainly wasn't going to risk angering Yellow by leaving right in the middle of a battle.

She furrowed her eyebrows and looked up at the sky, letting her head fall back on her shoulders and narrowing her eyes upwards silently. Earth was so different… everything was so different. Everyone could argue that Earth was more colorful, but it was less about the colors and more about the shades. On Homeworld, everything was so bright and overwhelming. Recently, Berry had found it to be more suffocating than she ever thought it really was. Steven hadn't quite opened her eyes to how bad things were - in order to do that, she'd have had to have been blind to it, which she wasn't - but he had certainly led her to the realization that… they didn't need to stay. They didn't need to just wallow in their own misery for eternity. She saw nothing wrong with Homeworld before Pink Diamond was shattered - then she saw the flaws afterwards. Even her own. She saw her own flaws, painted clear, _made_ clear. And that was the beauty of it, she thought… the fact that she was allowed to have flaws at all, when Homeworld should be perfect.

Nothing was perfect. Far be it from Berry to expect perfection from anything. Whether it was herself, or other people. But she did certainly expect people to be able to embrace their flaws, to realize it was part of what made them who they were. She didn't see any use in trying to hide who you really were - whether you were a good person, or a bad person, what was the point? Either way, you would be pretending to be something that you weren't. Either way, it was a lie, and Berry wasn't exactly fond of liars. She wasn't fond of anyone who tried to be someone that they weren't. And she wasn't fond of anyone who tried to mold someone into someone else.

The Ruby stared down at the water as she came to a stop, watching it lap up against the sand and drag itself right back down. She narrowed her eyes silently, and looked back up again.

"Hey."

Berry flinched, shoulders jerking sharply as she spun around and snapped her gaze up at once. Steven raised his hands slightly as her gaze rested on him, a guilty look flickering across his face. "You…" She growled, but she bit her tongue. She'd give him that one, considering everything that had just happened. She could curb her temper _sometimes_. Not often, but occasionally. Yelling at him wasn't going to change the fact that he had startled her anyway - the best thing she could do for both of them right then was let it go and move on. He'd apologized far too much that day already, she knew that for certain. "What do you want?" She hissed.

"I wanted to check on you." Steven paused, hesitating, and glanced over his shoulder toward the house. Berry briefly followed his gaze, reaching up to run her fingers through her hair to make sure that there weren't any flames flickering through the curls. She didn't want another incident like what had happened before, when Steven had tried to touch _fire_. "And… I…" The hybrid faltered for a moment, running his tongue over his lips as he turned back to her again. "Well, you know… I love them and all, but… they're pretty worried about me, and-" Steven huffed out a laugh and swallowed, a sorrowful expression clouding his gaze. Berry let the rest of her irritation dissolve completely, staring up at him silently. "I just… wanted to come out here." Steven paused, flicking his gaze past her, toward the ocean, before looking down at her again.

Berry stared at him for a moment. She knew what he wanted to say, the millions of questions she could see rising to his tongue as he tried to voice them, but he never opened his mouth. After a moment, the Ruby heaved out a gentle sigh, surprising even herself, and jerked her head toward the water as she turned away from him again. "That's fair enough," she mumbled. "But I don't need checking on, either." She huffed, narrowing her eyes down at the water.

"I know," Steven replied hastily. He walked forward to stand beside her for a moment, then silently lowered himself down to sit beside her, wincing slightly as he moved. She glanced over at him for a moment, but he didn't say anything, watching him get settled. "I know," he repeated once he had finally sat down, leaning back with his hands buried into the sand to keep him steady. "I just… I don't know. I wanted…" He trailed off again, narrowing his eyes at the water. Berry watched him, crossing her arms over her chest silently. "... I remembered a lot of stuff." Steven ran his tongue over his lips, furrowing his eyebrows as he glanced away again, back upwards toward the sky. "Not just about… y'know. Is…" He hesitated. "Is Peridot okay…?"

Berry snorted, and Steven winced. The Ruby paused, hesitating for a moment as she tried to figure out what to say, but the hybrid was speaking again before she had the chance to do so. "Figured," was all he muttered, glancing down and running his fingers across the sand. Berry stared at him for a while, just watching him dig his fingers into the little yellow specks beneath them. He lifted his hand up, letting some of the sand spill out. "I wanna go see her, but…"

"Not a good idea," Berry replied immediately. "She needs space. And so do you," she added disdainfully, rolling her eyes at the hybrid and looking back toward the water once again.

"Yeah." Steven seemed to stifle a sigh. He let his arms drop suddenly, letting himself fall back against the sand, and cringed again when he did. Berry looked down at him, arching an eyebrow, and the hybrid looked back up at her tiredly. He always looked tired, but right then, in particular, he looked absolutely exhausted. Not that she would have expected anything less, but it still pained her, to an extent, to see him like that. As much as it made sense, how hurt he was, how tired and angry and guilty he probably was, it still hurt to think about. And it hurt even more to see it written so clearly across his face - she remembered, he had seemed so closed off when she'd first met him. Oddly open, for the most part, but… he hid most of what he felt then.

Now it was like whatever wall was separating his emotions from the outside world had crumbled along with the rest of the hybrid, and Berry wasn't sure what to make of that in particular. Not only did he not seem to _care_ about hiding what he was feeling, but he also just seemed physically incapable of doing so. Little things gave him away now; a frown, a pout, a twitch of the eyebrows or a flinch. She wasn't the only one who noticed either, so she couldn't chalk it up to the fact that she had grown used to psychoanalyzing people's expressions at that point. Berry knew he was more open with his emotions, lacking the guard he used to have, but she didn't know whether it was intentional or not. Whether he meant to, or whether he couldn't _help_ it. The Ruby stared at him for a moment, twisting her mouth slightly, then turned her head to look away again. She'd have questioned him, if he hadn't already been through so much right then. He had enough people fussing over him, she knew. That was why he had come out here, to her. Because he knew she wasn't going to fret and fuss and worry over him. Not visibly. Not then.

"So, um…" Steven's voice trailed off, surprisingly quiet. His eyes were shut when Berry glanced back over at him, his arms crossed under his head. He didn't look particularly relaxed right then, but he didn't seem as on edge as she was used to seeing him. Unconsciously, the Ruby allowed some of her own tension to dissolve a bit, watching the hybrid. "What d'you think about Earth?"

"It's exactly as you described," Berry replied faintly.

Steven let out a quiet hum in response, heaving out a sigh. "S'at a good thing?"

Berry watched him for a moment, then shrugged and looked away. She still remembered the things Steven had told her about Earth. About the individuality, the beauty of the planet. About how everyone was the same, and yet different at the same time. About how, most of the time, everybody was happy where they were. Everybody loved the Earth. She remembered how he had described the 'ocean', and the 'sky', and the 'beach'. She remembered the fascination on his own face as he spoke to her, relaying all of his memories. Knowing what she knew now, it would be foolish of her to assume that he hadn't been reliving some of them then. She wondered if his memories were slipping long before Blue Diamond had shattered his friend. She wondered if he had even realized it, or if it had never made a difference, never made a dent. She wondered what things he remembered, what things he might have to re-experience.

She wondered in silence, gazing out at the water.

"It's not a _bad_ thing," the Ruby finally replied, lifting her gaze toward the sky. She stared toward the sun for a moment, lightly flicking her gaze across it, and offered another half-hearted shrug. "Whatever, I guess. It's a lot better than Homeworld, I'm willing to admit that much."

And it was.

And, oh… how she loved it all.


End file.
